[Ohiogift] Sample NWB Report on a "Poor" HS Paper

[Will Fitzhugh]

THE NATIONAL WRITING BOARD
730 Boston Post Road, Suite 24, Sudbury, Massachusetts 01776

Author Report								25 April 2013

Title of Paper: Freemasonry and the American Social Order		     	   Code Number: 1112ARCA000336

Author: withheld	                                                                      		               	   School: Private School

Home Address:  Connecticut 06066

Total Score: (5–30)    Reader One    13      Reader Two   10       Final   11.5    (Poor)    (2)

	28-30   =   A+     Superior        (reported score of 6)    (<1 in 100 papers rated)
	23-27   =   A       Very Good     (reported score of 5)
	18-22   =   B        Good	          (reported score of 4)
	13-17   =   C       Average          (reported score of 3)
	  8-12   =   D       Poor	          (reported score of 2)
 	   5-7    =   F        Very Poor       (reported score of 1


Category (check one):    Short (1,500 to 2,500 words)     	         Actual length: 4,321 words
	   	             		 Long  (4,000 to 6,000 words)   X   

Each paper is read by two Readers, both senior secondary instructors.

  I. Reading (Sources)
Score: (1-6)   	Reader One    2	       Reader Two    1
Reader One:

Your thesis is clearly stated in second paragraph. Good.
Reduce the font size in your footnotes.
Your subject is not well-researched, and you rely too much on sources such as Bullock.
When you write a research paper in history, you MUST use the University of Chicago (Turabian) format. Your history teacher will advise you on this issue. In the meantime, you might want to check it out on-line. If you decide you want to purchase a copy for yourself, go to your local bookstore ask for a paperback copy of Kate Turabian, Manual for Writers of Term Papers, Theses, and Dissertations. Your footnoting needs immediate attention, for example. You would also be well-served if you picked up a copy of: Richard Marius & Melvin E. Page, A Short Guide to Writing About History, 5th Ed. (NY: Pearson Longman, 2005). You might also take a look at Jules R. Benjamin, A Student’s Guide to History (Boston: Bedford Books (1998). The Craft of Research by Wayne C. Booth, Gregory G. Colomb and Joseph M. Williams, 3rd Ed. (Chicago: Univ. of Chicago Press, 2008) would also be helpful. As you gain more experience, you might also want to locate a copy of this classic work through an inter-library loan program: Jacques Barzun & Henry F. Graff, The Modern Researcher (NY: Harcourt, Brace and World, 1970). On-line you can easily access the excellent Bowdoin College guide: Patrick Rael, Reading, Writing and Researching for History. If you would like more help in this area, go to the Purdue University’s site Online Writing Lab (OWL), and click on Grades 7-12 Instructors and Students.
“42% of the army’s generals…..” (p. 12)…..Source?

Reader Two:
The reading list is extremely limited, especially for an essay that makes claims about complex social history over the course of 100 years. Although the author mentions two academically published monographs, many of these sources are suspect and not scholarly, including a religious commercial website, a religious press, two works by the same pop culture press, a personal interview, Time magazine, and the freemasonry.org website. The author has much to learn about constructing a thorough, balanced, and serious bibliography. 


II. Thinking (Understanding)
	Score: (1-6)   	Reader One    3	    Reader Two	  2
Reader One:
What exactly do you mean in saying: “Freemasonry “walked hand-in-hand with the American social order….”? (p. 1). Be precise in your choice of language.
Your remarks pertaining to Masonic “secrecy” were effective, and your comments on the disunity of the mid-18th Century colonies was right on the mark. Good job. You also make a sound assertion when you say that the revolutionary and societal ideals of the Freemasons were those of the people who supported the great cause.
Was Freemasonry ever simply a Guild of craftsmen,” (p. 4), or was this simply part of the sentimental myth-making of the “real” founding Masons of the early 18th Century?
You indicated (p. 6) that, early on, that Freemasons were drawn from the elites of colonial society. Then you quickly say that the lodges saw to the intellectual needs of its “uneducated men.” Which is it? You do go on, however, to show how the Revolution broadened its membership base. Thus, your problem is less understanding of the pertinent issues than it is the organization of your presentation. To avoid these types of awkward moments (and we’ve all had them), have a friend or relative help you with the final proofing.

Reader Two:
The thinking in this paper remains both superficially broad and limited. 
The essay makes the same simplistic and problematic claim over and over, without reconstructing a solid house of evidence for that claim to dwell in. 
The author shows a poor understanding of social history, relying on one generalization after another.  “The heart of American society was shaped and molded by Freemasonry”—this claim inherently ignores the enormous work and role of women throughout 19th century  social history, presenting a limited and distorted narrative. 
The opening analysis (a definition of what freemasonry is) seems to be based on a personal interview with a person of no acknowledged credentials, and not a single other source to corroborate or challenge the interview subject’s claim. This move suggests that the author still has much to learn about the ways historical thinking informs the process of gathering, verifying, and challenging information from multiple reliable sources.  This essay reads far more like a promotional pamphlet for freemasonry, rather than a scholarly study of its effects on social class. 
The paper contains many confusing assertions and statements of problematic logic. The comparison between reason and faith at the top of page 3 is confusing. 
The essay claims that “the chief vehicle of Freemasonry is one’s thoughts” but then later claims (page 5) that meeting attendance is the key. Again, logic is confusing. 
The paper repeated claims that the goal of Freemasonry is some kind of “perfect” man or state, but offers no interrogation of  the term “perfect”—what does this word mean? Need a critical examination of its use in context. 


III. Elaboration (Use of evidence)
	Score: (1-6)   	Reader One    2	    Reader Two    2
Reader One:
You state at the outset that Freemasons were “famous for their notorious rituals,” etc. Might you add some sort of disqualifier? You obviously don’t believe these views are universally held. And, please, NEVER hold up Dan Brown as some sort of quotable exemplar in historical studies. D’oh! Any trained historian would put more trust in Homer Simpson.
Give more of an in-depth discussion of the socio-political values of 18th Century Freemasonry against the backdrop of the European Enlightenment. Show how they intersected with the ideals of: tolerance, opposition to absolutism and superstition, anti-clericalism, Deism, freedom of expression, dominance of Reason, trust in scientific inquiry and Natural Law, belief in continual progress and the essential goodness of the human species, laissez-faire economics, constitutional monarchy, etc. Men became Masons in the second half of the 18th Century because the collective “brotherhood” tended to espouse various combinations of these “subversive” ideas.
When you write a research paper, don’t isolate direct quotes. Try to integrate each one of them into your narrative. In many cases, though you must cite a given source, you will decide you need not quote it directly. In other instances, you can paraphrase part of an author’s comment, and quote the rest. Whatever you choose, these options are almost always better than dropping a direct quote into the middle of your prose, to sit there by itself, as it tries to make a salient point.
Always avoid the “marching ibids” approach to the history paper, the one in which you keep hammering continual citations to a given source. This does not convince a reader that sound research has been accomplished. Vary your sources as you write. Manipulate them as trained historians do so that you will be better able to illuminate a given observation or generalization.
Avoid unsupported generalizations [“soldiers were so devoted to honor….” (p. 11)….the heart of American society…. (p. 15)]. Keep in mind that a generalization is a statement that is true for all of its parts. Be attentive to the notion that when you make a universal judgment, all any reader needs is one exception to reveal a lethal flaw in your argument’s internal logic.
Be sure that only your final copy is sent forward. (Is this jump too abrupt?—p. 8)

Reader Two:
Nearly every sentence in the essay needs further elaboration, either in the form of problematic generalizations, or a lack of example, hard evidence, and citation. Too many to list here, but for reference: 
These claims need proof and citation: 
“The primary forces that drive the age-old Masonic conspiracy theory are an ignorance of Masonry and a misunderstanding of the role of ritual.”
“The initiation ceremonies are peculiar and based on ancient Egyptian rituals.” 
“Masonry was the only non-religious institution that fostered tolerance and benevolence.”
“These public displays were widely recognized, proclaiming the order’s high status.”

These generalizations cannot stand on their own: 
“Masonry was always considered a secret organization.” (by whom? always? secret how?)
“lodge members began to spend time with each other exclusively.”
“social distinctions between the elite and the commoners in the community”—which community? What are these distinctions? The whole argument depends on specifics and elaboration here, but the author offers neither. 
What does the author mean by “emerging institutions of genteel culture”?
There’s more detail in the analysis of military masonry, but still I see a woeful lack of citation or concrete evidence. Just claims, floating in space. 

 IV. Writing (Use of language)
	Score: (1-6)   	Reader One    3           Reader Two    3
Reader One:
Your paragraph structure needs a lot of attention, but this is not an uncommon flaw in the work of young writers. Simply remember that each paragraph must be constructed upon a single main idea. One way to avoid any problems in this regard is to write an (informal) outline. Use it as a guide when you sit down to write your final draft. As you put it together, be conscious of your choice for “topic sentences.”

Reader Two:
I noticed typos in Works Cited.  The author has left an editorial note in place on page 8 (“Is this jump too abrupt?”). Careful proofreading is essential. 
The author writes a clear and straightforward sentence. 
But paragraph development needs a lot of work. In several paragraphs, the topic sentence has little to do with the body, and assertions are repeated over and over rather than moved forward through an inquiry of WHAT-HOW-WHY-SO WHAT? 
The author must strive for a rigorous balance of showing and telling in every paragraph. This “showing” must consist of hard historical evidence, analysis by reliable historians, multiple sources, and essential details of time and place. Dates are missing throughout. 
For example (one of dozens): “Colonial leaders helped to emphasize it by supporting and endorsing Masonic public processions”—this claim needs details. Which leaders? When? How? Where? Evidence?—good paragraph development depends on the direct presentation and explanation of the evidence, with a keen eye toward sourcing. 

V. Overall Result 
Score: (1-6)   	Reader One    3	     Reader Two    2
Reader One:
Your paper is problematic in a number of areas, but you show potential. One is attracted to your sense of intellectual curiosity, and this reader would love engaging you in a long conversation on your subject. It must also be said that your idealism sparkles throughout your work.
Just a caution (p. 14): Americans are justly proud of their revolutionary generation. It’s quite understandable. However, don’t let your enthusiasm (and patriotism?) become mere triumphalism.
Some day, when you have time, you might want to explore Mozart’s Masonic themed Magic Flute.
When you have time, you might also see what you can find out about the so-called Morgan Affair (1826), and the rise of the Anti-Masonic movement in the U. S.
The idea of virtue has a central place in your work. You might find this of interest should you continue your study of the 18th Century:
During the Age of Enlightenment, thoughtful people looked to the Classical world for inspiration and political models. A growing number of “radicals,” long in the minority in Europe, were drawn to early Rome. They believed hereditary monarchy to be inherently abusive, the very idea of it decadent, and hoped to replace it with a republic. To them, a republic was in itself an exercise in public virtue. Turning back to the ideals of Roman Republic, they re-examined the concept of virtue as the early Romans understood it. Virtus entailed those characteristics that made up a (good) man (vir = “man”). There are four of them: 
(1) Pietas (piety) entailed devotion to both family and obedience to parental authority. In an expanded sense it also meant devotion to Rome, the patria (“Fatherland”). Hence, a good citizen must be “patriotic,” giving loyal and unselfish service to the gods, and to the extended family that was Rome.
(2) Gravitas (Gravity) The mature citizen must demonstrate seriousness of purpose because so much depends upon the individual, both male and female. One must maintain dignity and practice self-control, never over-reacting to either good or bad fortune.
(3) Constantia (Constancy) The good citizen must be able to persevere and endure, no matter the challenges. He or she must demonstrate both moral and physical courage in difficult circumstances, all the while holding to the ideals upon which the well-being of the City depended.
(4) Fides (Fidelity) A Roman citizen must demonstrate good faith in all transactions. One must be truthful in all cases, pay one’s debts, honor contracts and keep sworn oaths. The Roman states-man Cicero called this aspect of virtue “the foundation of justice.”
Don’t be discouraged by this rather lengthy critique. You lack neither the intelligence, nor the motivation to do exceedingly well in a project such as this. Your work shows integrity. What you have to do now is master those learned skills that can lead you to excel. If you are not a Senior, be encouraged to return to NWB next year.

Reader Two:

This essay needs a good deal of work. The focus is broad, and untenable. The scope far too large for a short essay of this length. If the author is interested in the social effects of Freemasonry, a more appropriate scope would be to examine a particular location at a particular moment, and then delve deeply into the multiple factors of social change. Elaboration and citation remain weak, perhaps because the reading list is thin to begin with. The author should note the tone of promotion at work in this piece, and consider perhaps the scholar’s tone of inquiry and interrogation instead. 



Total Score (5–30)   Reader One   13    Reader Two   10    Final   11.5
Varsity Academics®
 


----------------------------
“Teach by Example”
Will Fitzhugh [founder]
The Concord Review [1987]
Ralph Waldo Emerson Prizes [1995]
National Writing Board [1998]
TCR Institute [2002]
730 Boston Post Road, Suite 24
Sudbury, Massachusetts 01776-3371 USA
978-443-0022; 800-331-5007
www.tcr.org; fitzhugh at tcr.org
Varsity Academics®
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